A book Review - His Needs, Her Needs

My husband's company lost their investor and while they searched for a new one, he went without pay for 3 months.  When he first told me there would be no paycheck that week (and the future was indefinite) he asked me to "be strong".  So, that's the face I put on for him ... but inside I was crumbling.  It was a tough 3 months.  Toward the end of the 3 months, our Bishop recommended a book to us.  It saved us and made us a stronger, happier couple than we had ever been. 

The book is called "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Harley, and can be bought at many bookstores.  I recently saw it at Deseret Book too - along with some other books by the same author (he is not an LDS author but he believes in family and marriage like the LDS Church does).  It discusses the basic human needs and talks about how women tend to need different things than men.  It also explains that even though we try to meet what we THINK are the needs of others (based on what we personally value), often we are completely failing at meeting THEIR needs.  I think the concept is similar to understanding love languages and personality types, but it takes it a little deeper than just that.  It helped me understand the needs rather than just how to talk to or interact with him.  It helped me understand what the driving forces are behind my husband (and myself).  I really recommend reading the book with your spouse if they will.  I actually read most of it outloud to my husband but once we got started on the book, he recognized the importance of it and also helped by reading it.


Another concept he explores is a "Love Bank".  Essentially, in your mind (bank), each person in your life has an "account".   The interactions you have with them either make withdrawals or deposits in that account.  If the person is meeting your needs and making you feel good, the account gets deposits and you will want to be near that person, and hopefully also make "deposits" in your account in their mind.   However, if the person is negative, not meeting your needs, or the source of tension in your life, he is constantly taking withdrawals and/or even has a negative balance which causes you to tend to avoid that person and or lash out in negative ways at them.  This applies to family, friends, co-workers etc. 

I truly recommend this book to everyone in a marriage.  It will help build your marriage, strengthening it and making it a happier, more successful relationship ... one that is more likely to withstand financial as well as other trials that may come your way.

Christmas

One of the HARDEST things for me, was the holidays.  With three little children, it was hard to not have presents especially since I've probably always overdone what was under the tree on Christmas morning.  Its hard to look at your little child and say that Santa isn't coming this year or that Santa just isn't going to bring much this year.  ... VERY HARD.  It was one of the hardest times for me.  I remember crying A LOT!  It was hard to listen to "the hustle and bustle" of Christmas.

I tried to stay focused on the true meaning of Christmas and serving others.  But we had always tried to keep the true meaning of Christmas in our home and tried to serve others, so it didn't make sense to the kids that this year we were focusing on that AND not getting presents ... tough situation.  I have to say, it will be different for each family and I would recommend talking to extended family and to your Bishop.  They may have ideas or the ability to help. 

I watched very carefully for sales and gifts with purchases that could be used as gifts.  But if there is no money to spend, even a GREAT sale won't put presents under the tree.  So, I turned to what I already had... I looked for things around the house that I could use to make gifts (fabric scraps, art supplies, photos, etc).  I made a lot of gifts.  I looked for ideas online as well.  I found codes for free digital scrapbooks (http://www.artscow.com/ is who I used but other companies also offer free books from time to time) so I created scrapbooks of a trip my husband and I had taken before our finances changed, baby books (first year) for each of our children and one with pictures of our year for the family.   Each book cost me about $6 for shipping.  We also gave "experiences" rather than gifts like family outings to upcoming free concerts/events.  You can find free or inexpensive concerts, plays and productions in your community and at local colleges.  

My sister-in-law suggested that for Christmas that year, rather than the cousins buying a gift for another cousin (we draw names amongst the cousins) that each cousin make a gift or give a "used" gift to give to the name they had drawn.  That way none of the parents felt obligated to buy gifts.  It might be a book that they've already read or a toy they have outgrown or just want to share.  It might be a hair bow made from ribbons and fabric scraps.  It might be a journal made from an inexpensive notebook (buy at back-to-school time and cover the front cover with a fun scrapbook paper or a hand-drawn picture or decorate with stickers you have around the house).  It might be a story written and illustrated by the gift-giver.  Or maybe take an old (or dollar store) picture frame and paint and decorate it then add a picture.  Or maybe its a coupon for no chores or a game night or the chance to choose their favorite dessert or dinner.  There are lots of options.  Get creative and plan ahead!  It may be months before Christmas and you may have risen above the financial hardship by the holidays, but it is always better to be prepared. 

As I mentioned earlier, giving gifts of service can also help.  We talked a lot with our children about how others had EVEN less than what we have.   Talk to your R.S. President or humanitarian specialist and see if she has supplies that you can use to do a service project.  When children receive less than previous years, it makes it much easier if they understand how little others have and feel the joy of giving to them.  Often humanitarian specialists have ideas, supplies and/or kits that can be completed for next to nothing.  When your child gives a teddy bear to the Humanitarian center or an orphanage in your area and understands that the only thing that child has is that one bear, its easier to accept just 1 or 2 presents under the tree.    And always remember, it is the memories and feelings that we create that will matter.   

Date your Mate!

Date night has always been very important to us but it became even more important during this challenge.  Whether you have children at home or are an empty nesters, but it is still important to have that night doing something with each other.  It gives us a sense of normalcy as well as a time to talk about things that are on our mind.  Financial struggles may come and go, but the goal is for our spouse to be eternal... so treat it that way. 

Some inexpensive ideas: 

• $1 movie or rent a movie/RedBox
• watch older movies you have at home
• borrow movies from friends or rent them from the library
• go outside - bike ride, take a picnic, go for a drive, go for a hike, go for a walk
• play games with each other
• attend “free” events in your community (look for activities at your local library and/or city sponsored events)
• read a book together
• work a puzzle
• people watch at a mall
• make dinner at home and eat by candlelight
• invite friends over for dessert and games
• ... all those things we tell our kids to do all summer long - stay active, create some fun!

But don't be afraid to splurge on each other a little bit - at least with your time!  Remember, the financial hardships will eventually go away, but your relationship is hopefully eternal.

Personal Story - Book of Mormon

Job loss isn't a new occurence ... did you know that even Nephi of old experienced this trial (as I'm sure many others in the scriptures).   A friend pointed this story out to me and it touched my heart.
Nephi 16:17-24

17 And after we had traveled for the space of many days, we did pitch our tents for the space of a time, that we might again rest ourselves and obtain food for our families.

18 And it came to pass that as I, Nephi, went forth to slay food, behold, I did break my bow, which was made of fine steel; and after I did break my bow, behold, my brethren were angry with me because of the loss of my bow, for we did obtain no food. 

(His job was to feed the family ... and without the bow, he couldn't do it!)

19 And it came to pass that we did return without food to our families, and being much fatigued, because of their journeying, they did suffer much for the want of food.

20 And it came to pass that Laman and Lemuel and the sons of Ishmael did begin to murmur exceedingly, because of their sufferings and afflictions in the wilderness; and also my father began to murmur against the Lord his God; yea, and they were all exceedingly sorrowful, even that they did murmur against the Lord.

21 Now it came to pass that I, Nephi, having been afflicted with my brethren because of the loss of my bow, and their bows having lost their springs, it began to be exceedingly difficult, yea, insomuch that we could obtain no food.

    (Even though his brothers had previously lost their bows "jobs" they did not understand and they complained ... I'm sure Nephi felt very alone and like he was letting his family down.  Nobody was understanding of his situation.)

22 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, did speak much unto my brethren, because they had hardened their hearts again, even unto complaining against the Lord their God.

23 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, did make out of wood a bow, and out of a straight stick, an arrow; wherefore, I did arm myself with a bow and an arrow, with a sling and with stones. And I said unto my father: Whither shall I go to obtain food?

24 And it came to pass that he did inquire of the Lord, for they had humbled themselves because of my words; for I did say many things unto them in the energy of my soul.

(Before asking for the Lord's help, Nephi and his brothers, humbled themselves and asked his father first.)

Personal Story - Entrepreneurs

My husband and I are both entrepreneurs.  About 10 years ago, my husband and some partners started a company.  Due to the nature of the business, there are a lot of upfront costs.  He continued to work full-time for another company and worked at night on his own company with hopes it would take off.  The economy took a turn for the worse and they were unable to find an investor.  The partners and their families continued to invest with "loans" to the company by means of 401K, savings, mortgages, and credit cards to keep the company going.  The product was well liked but expensive to manufacture in small quantities and with the economy downturn, the comnpany struggled without enough money for marketing.   My husband's full-time job was for a small company and they knew he had his own company on the side.  They were very tolerant when he had to take time away from his job and very flexible.  But in a normal week, he worked his full-time job during the day and then worked evenings, late nights and weekends on his own company, often working 60-80 hours a week and getting to spend little time with the family.  It was draining but we all persevered.

In 2005, I started a business as well.  It is a service business - I work for others from my home.  It has continued to grow over the years mostly by word of mouth (clients referred other potential clients to me).  It became a good part-time income and provided for a lot of extras.  And I enjoyed the work ... I liked the thrill of getting projects done and figuring out problems. I love my children, but needed something more than being a mom for me personally to be happy.  My husband was always very proud of me and my business, but I never expected that my "hobby" business would eventually be our entire livelihood. 

In September 2009, my husband lost his full-time job, no warning ... no severance.  The company went under so one day they just closed their doors.  Suddenly, my "part-time" income was our only income.  With no job to be found that would allow him the flexibility to continue working on his own company (and too much debt from the company in our own personal names), our only chance was for my husband to work for his own company full-time and hope to finally get it off the ground.  So, that's what we committed to... that and him helping me with my business so I could continue to make it grow and keep us afloat.  Several times we thought we had an investor or even were going to get bought-out, but each time our hopes were dashed when something went wrong at the last minute. Keep in mind, we had lived very generously in the past. We worked hard, and although we had lived within our means, we had a lot of debt in our name for the company and we had no savings.

Emotionally, our lives were a ROLLER COASTER.  For 20 months, we would find hope in something and then it would be dashed as that fell through.  An investor would come along and everything would be very hopeful, giving us hope but at the last minute, they would back out, leaving us doubting ourselves, doubting the future, angry, depressed ... feeling alone again.  We went through this roller coaster several times.  My husband didn't have a paying job, but he and I both worked constantly with hopes of things getting better.  One light during all this, was a comforting feeling that it will all be ok eventually.  We didn't know what the future held but we had each other and our kids and we were all healthy.  I had seen others struggle with by far worse challenges ... cancer taking a life of a sister, an life-changing injury to a friend's child, divorce.  I reminded myself almsot daily about how much worse it could be. 

Fortunately, for us, we were very blessed by my business.  We were guided to take steps that caused my business to more than double during the 20 months.  We had enough income to allow us to modify our mortgage through the government home modification program. It was a meager income but with the modification in place (and a much lower payment) and the help from the Church Storehouse, we were able to stay afloat.  But that didn't change how alone we felt, how frustrated, discouraged and even angry at times.  We constantly tried to have faith.  I turned to the scriptures more often, I paid my tithing on my business income and got a current temple recommend.  Having faith was difficult, but it was a blessing. 

When things were starting to get really bleak, my husband was offered a job that would be very flexible, but at about 1/3 of his prior pay.  With the growth in my business, 1/3 still wouldn't cover everything, but it would help us.  It has brought hope as we can now start to move forward after 20 months.

Personal Story - Health Problem

I think the first and best thing to say is through it all I “tried” to put a smile on my face and in my voice every morning even if I did not feel like it.  Within a few hours I would start to feel like I did not have to force the smile…it would start to come naturally.  I “faked it” until I made it.  All of us have problems and I would much rather be around someone who is happy than someone who is not.  I also realized that I didn’t want to trade problems/life with someone else; my problems were enough and really not as bad as someone else’s were. 


To begin with my husband and I are both type 2 diabetics.  We controlled it with diet for a few years and then had to go on to oral medications.  I now use insulin.  We also have high cholesterol and high blood pressure.  My husband is 58 and I am 55.


In April 2003 my hubby told me that I could quit my full time job with the State, as I was close to a nervous breakdown from all the stress.  I started working for a MK Sales Director part time in May 2003.  June 2004 I started working full time with a MK National Sales Director to help bring in a little more money, but we were still doing ok.


In March 2005 I had a friend that wanted to get rid of a Cockatiel and I thought it would be fun to have one again (we had 2 while my boys were growing up).    In late July 2005, while I was at Seminar, I spoke to my husband on the phone.  He was not feeling well and said he felt like he was getting bronchitis or pneumonia.  He was going to bed and if he didn’t feel better the next day he would go to the ER and/or the Doctor after he picked me up from the airport.


He actually was feeling worse when he picked me up so we went straight to the ER.  They did x-rays, checked his oxygen level and decided to admit him.  His oxygen was down in the 80% range.  They put him on oxygen and decided he had pneumonia, keeping him in the hospital for a couple of days until his oxygen went up to 95-100%.  When they released him, we were told to make an appointment with his personal physician a week later for a check-up.   When I got him home he was doing great and then within a couple of days started to decline again.  By the time it was ready to take him back to his doctor he could hardly walk on his own without passing out.  When I got him to the doctor’s office he had to use a wheel chair to go in.  They checked his oxygen level and he was down to 70% (this is a critical low level).  They admitted him immediately to the hospital.  After a week of respiratory treatments and his oxygen level coming back up to 95-100% the doctor came in to talk with us.  He talked to us about the situation and asked us about his allergies, our living conditions, pets, etc.  Told him he was allergic to cats, we have 2 dogs and a bird.  He asked what kind of bird we had…when he found out he stated that was the problem.  My husband had hypersensitivity pneumonitis and the Cockatiel was to blame.  I asked him what I could do, other than getting rid of the bird, like washing walls, steam cleaning the carpets, etc.  He stated that there was nothing we could do!  We could not paint it out, steam clean it out, or wash it out!  We could only move.  It takes 15 years for it to wear out of a house!


My visiting teachers helped me clean and sanitize my house.  When I brought Merlin home he was so worried that he almost did not go in.  But, we talked about it in the car, said a prayer asking for the Lord’s help until we could move and then went in.  Also, during this timeframe we fell behind on our house payment and could not recover from it losing our home.  We found a mobile home that the owners would sell to us on contract.  In Oct. 2005 we moved to the mobile home (my hubby had not had another problem, but we knew we did not want to press the Lord’s blessing). 


In March, 2007 my husband was able to retire from his full time job (a “sterile environment” production line position) and could go get another job for about 10 years.  He would then have 2 retirements.  My husband got a full time job in April 2007 (non-sterile environment).   He worked around dusty boxes and birds flying around in the rafters, it was a partial open air environment (loading bay doors would open/shut).  Within 3 months, July 2007) he had an acute respiratory attack at work.   I took him to the doctor and he was admitted again to the hospital with his oxygen level in the high 70% range.  We could not figure out what the problem was this time, other than the free flying birds and all the dust in the warehouse.  He was sent home on oxygen for 3 months.  After 3 months the doctor took him off the oxygen and said he was good to go.  The only problem was his energy level just never came back.  Also in May 2007 my step-father passed away and my Mother passed away in June 2007.  We also had decided that I could quit the National Sales Director position and stay home to build my own business in July 2007.   My health was also not doing very well.  I am a type 2 diabetic and my blood sugar levels were not good.  It seemed no matter what I did I could not get my numbers down.  I was exhausted all the time and slept 12-14 hours a day.


By September/October 2007 I had some inheritance and decided that I would invest in a trainer at the gym to help my hubby.  He had been down so long that we thought if he worked out gradually with someone he would get his strength and endurance back.   After about 4-6 months, my hubby still was doing no better.  Actually, he would sleep almost 24 hours after a workout because he was so exhausted.  He decided to buy his own oximeter (oxygen meter) to check at home.  Every time he checked he was in the 95-100% area.  He could not understand why his energy was not coming back.  We were using my inheritance to supplement our income while he was regaining his strength.  


In late 2008 my hubby realized that he was just checking his oxygen when he was sitting, not active.  So he went and walked on the treadmill for 10 min.  His oxygen level went down to low 80% level.  He went to his doctor and found out that he had permanent scarring in his lungs from the two diseases.  (In August 1995 he was diagnosed with Sarcoidosis.  That is a disease which attacks the lymph nodes in the lungs.  He had this for 9 years.)  He would have to be on oxygen 24/7 the rest of his life now. 


About this time I also realized I needed to get another job so that we would have health insurance.  Since I worked for the State of Utah I “knew” I could get a job quite quickly.  I started applying.  Then the economy crashed.  After a year of applying for jobs I realized I was going to get nowhere without a degree.  You see, I had 21 years of experience with a high school diploma, but those with a degree and 21 years or more of experience were getting the jobs first.  I needed that piece of paper. 


My blood sugar levels started coming down with my energy levels rebounding in the spring of 2009.  So in May 2009 I decided to go back to school and get that piece of paper.  I counseled with my Bishop to make sure I was not just being “suckered” into something.  I also knew that with my diabetes I would not be able to work full time and go to school.  The bishop said he would help us, if needed, so at the age of 52 I jumped in with both feet and went back to school.   In July 2010, my associate dean asked me if I would like a part time tutoring job with the school.  It was a blessing, since we still had no insurance and my medications are expensive.  The Bishop told me the day before that the Church had paid as much as they could for our medical costs.  The part time job would pay for our medical costs.   I graduated February 2011 (at the age of 54) with an Associates of Occupational Studies in Medical Specialties, Suma Cum Laude (4.0 GPA).   I passed my Pharmacy Technician National test with a very high score and am now licensed as a Pharmacy Technician and looking for a position.


At the end of 2009 my hubby decided that he would apply for disability.  He retained an attorney and proceeded with the red-tape.  In the spring or 2010 after applying 3 times we got a letter stating that he would have a 15 month wait and then his case would go before a judge.  We went before the judge June 2011 and by July 1^st we found out he won his case and received the retro payments.  He also was qualified for Medicaid.  


I still need to have health insurance but things are working out because I listened to and followed the Spirit (which included my Bishops counsel).  Through all of this I have paid my tithing (my husband is not active);  attended my meetings when I could; stayed close to friends who have the same ideals and beliefs; read my scriptures, church magazines, uplifting books,  and watched uplifting programs on TV; AND have held a current temple recommend attending the Temple whenever I can.


This is the first time in my adult life I have ever had to struggle like this.  Don’t get me wrong, I have had my struggles.  I buried a husband at 19 after 7 weeks of marriage.  I was a single parent of 2 boys for 7 years.   I had a job and family to help me out during those times.  But I did not have to struggle financially as much as I have these past 3 years.   I lost my parents.  Both my husband’s and my health took nosedives.   It seemed like if something could go wrong it did!  It has felt like the refiners fire…and I’m sure I am not done being refined.  Just hope it will not be as rough in the future. 

Personal Stories

As we receive stories from others, we will post them and always "tag" them with "Personal Story".  Hopefully, as we add more stories you will feel strength from the stories of others who have been through similar tirals.  To share your story, send an email to enduringfinancialstruggles@gmail.com   All stories will be kept anonymous.  If you have a comment or question regarding a personal story, feel free to leave a comment for them on the blog.  I will not be able to forward your comments or questions via email to the original authors.  THANKS!

How this blog came to be ...

My husband and I lost our primary income and spent 20 months without our income.  Many times the idea of writing a blog came to mind but I was working a lot of hours and not sure how to even get the word out about the blog, so I had pushed the idea aside.  So recently, when I saw an opportunity to get the word out about the blog, I decided to go for it. 

I have often felt like, we as women, hide our emotions and feelings from others out of fear of judgement or other reasons.  But I know that I have greatly benefited from the stories others have shared with me.  I know I would have benefited from a resource like this.  I hated feeling alone so I hope when you read this blog, you will know ... you are NOT alone.  Together we can be stronger than alone.

"There is synergy in the aspen grove.  The trees are connected by a system of roots; each tree draws strength from the others.  The grove is more than the sum of its individual parts - one plus one equals three or more."   - The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Our goal is to share information to help you endure financial trials that may have come your way, to provide ideas, information, support and understanding to others who are now struggling or who may in the future may be given this challenge.  Its not easy and so often you just feel alone ... hopefully with this blog, you will NOT feel alone and you will find answers to your questions and information to help you endure spiritually, emotionally, financially and physically while maintaining happy relationships with your spouse, your children and your extended family and friends. 

PLEASE feel free to share your ideas, tips, thoughts, questions or your personal story by emailing enduringfinancialstruggles@gmail.com  All emails will be kept confidential but content of emails may be used for posts to benefit others unless you request otherwise.